There’s this intangible thing… called time. And time moves on and on and on, watching as our lives change, watching us screw things up, and rarely, watching us get something right. Sometimes, it seems to stand still for us, almost like it’s lending a hand when we fall, or just to linger in a good moment, but even when it waits, we’re asking for more time. We just need more time. We don’t have enough time.
And as we are as we are, we will never have enough time.
Some people are really good with writing about themselves. They can talk about the boring mumbo-jumbo of everyday life and it’s good; they make it not-boring everyday mumbo-jumbo.
Whenever I try it, I feel like I’m just complaining. I’m just desolately babbling on about this thing I like or that thing I don’t, and just how frustrated I am with all of it. If only I could turn it into something productive…
Today I woke up and was still quite tired. (By the way, I’m 24 weeks pregnant now and things are more challenging than they used to be.) So, I got up around 8.30 this morning, separated laundry, grabbed my ToDo List (which is conveniently located on my Android), and headed out the door for today’s work. Here’s how it went:
McDonald’s for breakfast–I was starving.
Wal-Mart for more than what was on my list.
Carwash–The elderly man in the car before me confused the carwash itself and the attendant had to reset it twice.
Laundromat–One of the dryers I used took four attempts at drying and some of those clothes still came out wet.
McDonald’s for boyfriend’s lunch–I had to repeat myself on multiple occasions when the drive-thru girl kept mishearing me and mistook “honey” for “honey mustard” and turned “ten-piece McNugget” into “twenty-piece McNugget.”
By the time I returned home, I was fatigued. I never did take a nap. I sat down and relaxed for a while, which helped, and now my head is telling me, “You will sleep very well tonight.” Well, I certainly hope so. I still have another 7 items on my list, but they’re just going to wait until tomorrow.
My last task for the evening is a simple one: Getting up to reheat my bowl of oatmeal that set here while I typed this, but damnit, it should grow legs and do it itself.
It started yesterday. There were large, dark clouds, and the sun was in increments. Twenty minutes, come and go, it would rain. The birds didn’t stop singing, the cat wouldn’t come inside, and I was very peaceful.
With a slightly different layout, today’s turn of events are much the same.
And the air smells wonderful.
So it is that I’ve been away for the holiday season, but I’m back just in time for the celebration of my 23rd year on planet Earth, which will take effect in approximately 39 minutes and counting. It seems like I’ve seen so much in 23 years, but I feel like I’ve done so little.
As far as New Year resolutions are concerned, I aim to be incredibly productive, and aim to keep everyone updated as some sort of motivation.
I’ve already begun my first project: a solar heater. The one presently in the making is a small scale model, just to gain information and to perform some tests with. Should it succeed, tweekings necessary or not, it will become the real deal, and then we’ll move forward to a similar project number 2. I’ll keep that one quiet for now.
It was about 6 years ago now. I was with this guy and at the time, I thought he was awesome. He was my first serious boyfriend and I was very excited because it was evident that he liked me. I didn’t have to do any type of digging to find that out, but it wasn’t so obvious to the point I wanted to vomit, either. After about 2 years, that relationship ended up not working out, but about a year in:
I was over at boyfriend’s house one weekend. We were lying on the bed and the opportunity came about to go to one of his friends’ house, and I was oddly reluctant at first, but then decided to get on with it anyway. We were just going to lie around all day.
So we show up, and there were many people there I did not know. I went to a different city’s high school, and therefore did not know the classmates of my boyfriend. We were there for a little while, but then things started to get awkward. See, we were actually at the friend’s ex-girlfriend’s house, and things weren’t so good there. I don’t recall exactly what happened, but ex-girlfriend’s mom came home and got into some type of argument with ex, so boyfriend, friend, and myself left to go to friend’s apartment.
Now, I had met this friend one other time. All 3 of us had gone to see a movie together, and friend was not worth paying attention to. He mocked me often and then on the ride home, he mocked my choice of music, and then boyfriend jumped in on the mockery as well. I was beginning to believe that friend was a real arrogant prick.
At the apartment, however, things became different. We were all sitting on the couch, listening to an array of music between Tool, AFI, and Brand New. Friend had been going on about getting his hair cut differently as it was on the longer side, and I volunteered to do it since I typically did my own hairstyles anyway. I wish I could remember the conversations, but I don’t. I know that things were starting to get flirty, and something was said about friend’s rabbit, but aside from that, the bulk of words are amiss.
I cut friend’s hair as he had asked. It just so happened that his fedora at the time made him look amish with the requested hairstyle, but he was oddly growing more and more appealing.
The 2 boys went out for a smoke and I stayed in. I don’t smoke cigarettes and I abhor going out in the cold. It was sometime in February, which is usually the coldest month of the year in NW PA.
They had come back in and positioned themselves on either side of me on the couch. Now at this point, it was probably becoming obvious to boyfriend that something odd was in the air as after a little while, boyfriend went out for another smoke; however, friend stayed inside.
Friend and I had a good 10 minutes to ourselves on the couch and I made sure to use my time wisely. I laid my head in his lap as we talked, and it was one of the most fantastic conversations I had ever held. It was so fantastic, in fact, that I kept my head right there, right on his lap, when boyfriend came back up from his smoke. I kept my head in friend’s lap for almost the remainder of the time we were at friend’s place. Boyfriend sat down at the other end of the couch, as it was the only part of the couch not being taken up by the length of my body, and carried on conversation. He had a look. He knew something was very not right, and yet it was as though I did not know. I felt as though things couldn’t be better. I was wrong.
We left that night and I think I went home because it was a Sunday and we’d all have to go to school the next day. I’m going to move on to another event.
Boyfriend and I were still together, but friend and I were not-so-secretly talking. We had planned on boyfriend not finding out, but boyfriend realized who I was talking to every time he would call me and I’d be on the other line. Not to mention that I obtained friend’s number by asking boyfriend for it. “What’s friend’s number?” “Why?” “Oh, I have a missed call from an unknown number and I thought it might be friend.” PAUSE. “…Oh. It’s (insert friend’s number here).” By the way, I didn’t have a missed call from an unknown number. I didn’t even have a missed call. Friend didn’t even have my number to call me in the first place. I REALLY wanted to talk to him.
Moving further along:
It was some span of time later (couple weeks to a month? My memory is really horrible at times) and I was hanging out with a female friend of mine of the time, and she had just got out of a crappy relationship and was looking to hang out with this other dude. So, she gets a hold of her cowboy type guy, and I get a hold of friend, and we meet up. We took a drive in female friend’s red car, and that was when love was born.
We had just been riding around for hours, me and friend in back seat, female friend and cowboy in front, and friend invited me over to his side of the car to cuddle. We undid our seatbelts and laid down in the backseat, fell asleep holding hands and rubbing each other. My face was buried in his chest as he held me, and the smell of his clothes was absolutely intoxicating. It became a smell I will never forget.
When the ride was over, we dropped friend off back at his place. We expressed the same stranglehold of not wanting it to be over, and when he moved to kiss me, I gave him my cheek. Everything was moving so fast, and not that I didn’t like it and not that I didn’t want it to happen, but I needed a moment to catch up. I wasn’t sure if anything was real and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Everything about that car ride, him holding me and talking with me, telling me how he felt and how astounding it was that he, of all people, felt that way, was breathtaking. I could have died. Right there in the backseat of that old red chevy cavalier, my heart was catching aflame as his was on fire and I could feel it. This was no small flame. This was an erupting, raging wildfire. Simply put, we were falling in love.
But things weren’t always so great.
I had difficulty waking up again today, and then continued to not do anything once I was awake. I laid here in bed like a dried-out fish. I feel like that in the winter. My skin gets all dry and I feel like I’m shriveling up.
I keep getting the urge to go down to the local eatery and using the WiFi and my laptop to do some of my posting. I think I’ve only done that once. The rest of the posts have been from my android, which does the job very nicely, but sometimes it nice to have a comfortable seat, some food, and a larger screen to work with.
Anyway, there’s a lot to be said to catch up on the parts of my life that you missed, and I don’t know where exactly to start, but starting somewhere works. The gaps can eventually be filled in.
My younger self:
I was born in Baltimore Maryland to my mother and father. I never went through any of that adoption shit, and my parents turned out to be relatively cool people, but on different levels. They split up when I was about 3. I remember them fighting constantly after a point, and this was unfortunate because it would mean no longer having pizza and doughnuts every Friday night, alongside an evening with The Wonder Years and the Batman cartoon. I remember one incident of them fighting when I got super scared and hid behind the couch. I was afraid of my dad even though it was my mom doing most of the yelling and swearing. I didn’t learn until years later that it would have made more sense to fear my mother, but I was so close to her when I was little, I didn’t see it. She took me everywhere with her. I don’t remember one time when I went somewhere with my father. I now think it was because my mom didn’t want that and had some type of maniacal fear that he would take me and she wouldn’t see me again. Instead, she did that to him and I didn’t see him until I was 19.
I remember being in and out of one of the local shelters. It was a nice place from what I remember. I remember going to pre-school during the same time, and that cancels out a lot of the shelter memories I think. I know there was a huge yard with a few playsets, but I was hardly allowed to go out. I kept getting a warning about my father being outside or possibly driving by. “I don’t want you-know-who to see you. He’ll know where you are and then might take you.” She really had me convinced he was the bad man. I thought he was some type of ultra scary man. If he could see me, he’d have to be able to see through an 8 foot tall wooden privacy fence. I thought he must be super powerful, which ended up further enforcing the fear she was driving into me.
There’s a good bit to start with. I’ll save the rest for other posts on other days. Until then, I’m off to read, play video games, and enjoy this freshly poured bowl of cereal.
Today seems a little more special than other days. No, I didn’t get flowers or a check in the mail, or even a friendly visit. Today, I just feel sort of productive.
Normally around this time of year, I feel rather festive. Thanksgiving and the harvest didn’t lure it out of me as they typically do. Hell, I didn’t even spend countless hours searching different shoppes for window clings and cornicopias like every other year. This year, I just haven’t been feeling it.
Thanksgiving was nice anyway, even though I had some type of stomach bug for the first half of the day. The boy and I had 3 different dinners with 3 different groups of people. By the end of the night, we were exhausted, and stuffed.
I spent this last weekend at my mom’s and we talked about how we’re not doing the christmas thing this year. No one in my close family can afford it. There might be a one-gift-per-person exchange, but that will probably be the extent of it, and that probably won’t even happen on the same day. We’re plenty ok with that. We’re not religious people, or highly spiritual, either. In fact, I think the only one who actually has a firm belief that God exists is my mother, but even she keeps those thoughts mostly to herself.
I have digressed. Even though the holiday season isn’t a big thing this year, I wanted to do something different today. I put the dog on the leash and we set foot into the woods behind the house. I had a purpose, and I found it. It was just setting up on the hill near another house, but just off that property. The dog and I went up, had a look, and I gently coaxed it up out of the ground. I brought it back down to the house where I found an adequately sized pot, stuffed it in with some potting soil, and placed it in front of a window. That little guy will be our tree for the holiday. He’s about 2 feet tall, leans a little to the left, and smells woodsy. I couldn’t tell you what type of evergreen he is; I just know that he is one and that he’ll be very handsome once I get a scarf of lights around him.
After that event, I made a peanut butter banana sandwich with too much peanut butter, so I shared what I didn’t want with the dog. I got to enjoy all the bananas on it though. The dog doesn’t like fruit.
I am awake. I think it has something to do with the bottle of soda I drank a little bit ago. Mmm, nice, cold, refreshing Coca-Cola, in a glass bottle even.
I’ve been turning this up all night thing into an every-other night thing. I get one good night of sleep, and the next night is thrown off by something. I’m starting to feel a bit groggy now, but that’s just my eyes talking.
The dog is licking my toes.
I got a confusing piece of mail today from the unemployment compensation office. It said “This letter of financial eligibility does not mean you are eligible to receive unemployment benefits”.. as it goes on to list my benefit amounts that I’m eligible for. I’m going to call the UC office tomorrow. Maybe they can provide some clarity. And maybe since it’s been 30 days, I should call the AO too and see what’s up with this heating assistance mumbo jumbo. I tell you: they sure know how to subject a person to waiting until it’s too late. You know when they started my pregnant-person benefits? After I miscarried. And you know when they started my non-pregnant person benefits? After I received all the hospital bills from the miscarriage. I just recently got a letter stating that my medical benefits will be discontinued in January. Good thing I don’t have anything else going on! Not to mention they sent me that letter twice, but I’ve still heard nothing about the heating situation.
These people are really on top of things.
I decided that I’d delve into the world of my current situation since it is the one taking up the most space in my life recently. Hold onto your hats.
I live in northwestern Pennsylvania where the winter months are bitterly cold and take up the most time out of the year. So far, this winter hasn’t been too bad, but it might get there. We have no heat in our house.
Last year around this time was the start of rough encounters. The boy moved out declaring that this wasn’t where he should be and went off to live with a friend. I was here, with my brother and his girlfriend (she sort of came over and then never left). Myself and brother’s girlfriend were the only ones with jobs, and she was only working about 15 hours a week while I was doing at least 40. We didn’t have enough money to pay rent and bills, so things were left unpaid. Looking back at ghe situation, I should have done more than I was; you can always do more, but I didn’t have any bit of motivation for anything after the boy left.
Anyway, we racked up a gas bill of about 650$. Yeh, that’s a lot, but not hard to do when the bill is almost 200$ a month, and that was with the thermostat being set no higher than 68. In an uninsulated house against a mountain that gets only the morning sun, it feels like 42 (degrees Fahrenheit. I don’t remember the conversion to Celsius, but I wish I did because “standard” measurement is stupid compared to metric).
Anyway, the gas stayed on until it got warm, and then was shut off for nonpayment. That was fine and all because the only thing that ran on gas was the furnace; everything else is electric.
After a few months, the boy came back, and a few months after that, winter.
Here we are, winter, and the only heat source is this little electric heater in the bedroom. We’ve moved the appliances to the bedroom. The convection oven, the neuker, the mini fridge: all in the bedroom. It’s quite a set-up, really. Oh, but the good thing is that it’s only myself and the boy. The brother and his girlfriend moved out a while ago. That was a relief. I like my brother a lot. We get along well, but his choice in girlfriends is.. interesting, to say the least.
The boy and I have applied for many assistance programs to pay off this heating bill. It’s been about a month, and we haven’t heard anything yet. The county’s policy is somewhere around 30 days. Let’s hope we hear something incredibly soon. Our landlord doesn’t want the pipes to freeze and burst, but the longer we stay here without heat, the more of a probability that becomes. He’s got a bit of a timeframe for us to have the heat on by. If we don’t get it, we get the boot, and that poses an even bigger problem: where do we go?
So it is that today is December 1st, with only ten minutes left to spare. So it is, as well, that there isn’t anything I want to really put here. I’m a bit disappointed that a day has passed and I’ve not much to say. Sure, I could tell of my day. I could complain about the mishaps and frustrations, and I could also speak of the good events, but I don’t want to. It would full of “I did this, and then did that, then saw this, and the lady said…” blah blah. I do want to write something substantial, but for now I have nothing.
Perhaps tomorrow.
